Alone

My last several posts have been about work. And I haven't posted for several days because work hasn't changed, except that my anger with people who are supposed to know what they are doing who are apparently neither knowledgeable nor consistent has grown exponentially. Today I am thinking a lot more about my personal life. The view when I gaze upon this topic is barren and bleak. I rarely leave my room except for work nowadays, and I hardly feel social with my coworkers at all. What little humanity I show them feels like it is being forced out of me to maintain my own sanity, and I feel no desire to see any of them when the work day is over. So with all other options removed I am now being social only by computer, which only works about half the time in the first place. Even on the computer there have only been three people in quite some time with whom i have spoken on a regular basis and actually looked forward to the conversation. Of those three one doesn't speak to me anymore, another hasn't for the last couple of days, and the third only ever speaks sparingly anyway. Maybe a couple of days and spartan conversation may seem a trivial problem but in light of the complete hermit attitude I have been having I feel it is becoming socially unhealthy. Maybe i should look at this as just one more preparation for deployment in which what little social life remains to me will all but disappear. That is kind of a depressing thought right at the moment. I think this post is getting a lot longer than average for me, probably partly do to the fact that i really do have reason to write it. I have never in my life been prone to loneliness but lately it seems I feel it more and more. I think it is either a sign of maturity or depression, its not easy to say which right now, but probably the latter. As far as I can tell I am socially good at two things, I attract friendships with the "outcasts" of society very easily, and I can wreak havoc in the lives of those i would much rather not do so with. Perhaps the title of my blog is more fitting than I thought at the time. I am able to at bare minimum create complications in the lives of people and meet and care about. At intervals in my life it seems to push people out of it. For some people that takes years and for others only weeks but the parting is always painful for one reason or another.