Disgruntled Soldier

This week I have failed a PT test, been chastised for the cleanliness of my domicile, been used as a secretary and been placed under the charge of a new first sergeant who has apparently been condemned to life as a talking penis. The man in all seriousness has already demonstrated that he has one of the worst cases of Napoleon complex I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. I personally am almost impressed by how pathetic it really is. The whole experience has been a reminder to me of why I have ne desire to stay and make rank in this army. I know I will continue to meet this kind of person throughout life, however it will be nice to reach a place in the world where tolerating it is not mandated by the uniform code of military justice. I am reminded of why the army is required to make members sign a contract and live under a completely different set of laws than the rest of the country. If any civilian employer tried to treat its employees the way the army does it would very quickly go out of business when literally everyone quit. Whatever the disadvantages may be I can hardly wait to return to a job where it is not believed that the ability to run is a measure of leadership potential.

Nothing New

Life is continuing to be more of the same. I am sincerely hoping that something will turn around soon but I am in severe doubt that it will happen before I deploy. Oh well I guess such is life.

Alone

My last several posts have been about work. And I haven't posted for several days because work hasn't changed, except that my anger with people who are supposed to know what they are doing who are apparently neither knowledgeable nor consistent has grown exponentially. Today I am thinking a lot more about my personal life. The view when I gaze upon this topic is barren and bleak. I rarely leave my room except for work nowadays, and I hardly feel social with my coworkers at all. What little humanity I show them feels like it is being forced out of me to maintain my own sanity, and I feel no desire to see any of them when the work day is over. So with all other options removed I am now being social only by computer, which only works about half the time in the first place. Even on the computer there have only been three people in quite some time with whom i have spoken on a regular basis and actually looked forward to the conversation. Of those three one doesn't speak to me anymore, another hasn't for the last couple of days, and the third only ever speaks sparingly anyway. Maybe a couple of days and spartan conversation may seem a trivial problem but in light of the complete hermit attitude I have been having I feel it is becoming socially unhealthy. Maybe i should look at this as just one more preparation for deployment in which what little social life remains to me will all but disappear. That is kind of a depressing thought right at the moment. I think this post is getting a lot longer than average for me, probably partly do to the fact that i really do have reason to write it. I have never in my life been prone to loneliness but lately it seems I feel it more and more. I think it is either a sign of maturity or depression, its not easy to say which right now, but probably the latter. As far as I can tell I am socially good at two things, I attract friendships with the "outcasts" of society very easily, and I can wreak havoc in the lives of those i would much rather not do so with. Perhaps the title of my blog is more fitting than I thought at the time. I am able to at bare minimum create complications in the lives of people and meet and care about. At intervals in my life it seems to push people out of it. For some people that takes years and for others only weeks but the parting is always painful for one reason or another.

Packing to go

Today began the incessant loading and unloading of the same equipment every day that is going to last at least all week until it is finally packed to everyone's satisfaction. This process is extremely annoying to me because it generally involves alot of bad calls by those refusing to listen to people who know better. It is barely starting and I am already getting aggravated both by the stupid calls people have made, and the stupid calls they will make. It may be a little better on me this time knowing what to expect, but it is still a stressful process. I guess since deployment is the reason i joined the Army I will just have to accept this part of the process.

Insomnia

Right now I should be asleep but I have screwed my circadian rhythm to such a level as to make it impossible. In three hours I will have to be awake whether I sleep in the mean time or not. It would really be better if I could stop doing this to myself, but I doubt I will manage any time soon, since the bulk of the intelligent conversation I am able to enjoy happens in the dead of the night.I sometimes think I must be a masochist, but mostly I think I just believe that some things in life are worth the pain.

Day to Day

In the last several days I have packed my units personal effects for shipment to the middle east, turned my truck over to the shop to finally get it fixed, failed my TB check for the first time, hung out with my mom, gone to see some of my other family around town and chatted religiously while almost everyone was asleep. The individual days really haven't been that full so I wind up doing one still very short post to cove almost the whole week.

Dentist

Today i went to the dentist and learned that one of my fillings had been broken off and needed to be redone. That was the most eventful part of the entire day. Tomarrow we seriously start packing in earnest.

SRP

Today I got vaccinated and set up my finances for my trip to Iraq. It's basically an all day process doing paperwork but mostly just waiting in line to do paperwork. In other words it takes us a long time to accomplish very little. So when i got done i came home and vegged. Not a very productive day but i guess a necessary one.

Feeling Weary

Last night I didn't sleep at all. Today felt very long. My mind is still kinda twisted and on top of it all I'm just a little worried. Hope everything goes well, I think I'm going to sleep now. This post lacks any and all of my normal natural eloquence I thinks its another sign of exhaustion, so im going to take a nap now.

Extremely Extreme

Most people have some kind of buffer in their mind, some moderator that limits their emotions to a normal level. I have nothing of the sort. I honestly cannot remember the last time I liked or disliked anything. I love it or I hate it. Either I'm extremely passionate about something or I don't care at all. Its a lot like the case of people who see the world in terms of black and white, good and evil. Except that I am not one of those people, I recognize the middle ground of good and evil. I see the shades of gray from a moral and ethical standpoint. I am however a total emotional extremist. I love you I hate you or I don't give a damn, and there is no middle ground to be had. I know stop and careening degree of fast. I think it may be why I isolate myself from people so badly, because people perceive me overreacting or taking big jumps when to me it only a small step from where I already was. On top of all that I find my motivation is generally never what anyone would believe it to be, so all the confusion is compounded twice over. I should be in bed by now but I'm not tired at all, in another hour I'll probably be completely exhausted.

Hermit

Today I was shut in all day, literally the highlight of my day was ordering food. I need to quit doing this but since I won't have a choice in Iraq I might as well get used to it.

RFI

Today I did RFI issue, where i picked up a coat and a body armor vest, my battalion reminded me how OK they are with screwin' over their own soldiers, and my company tried to make it up to us a little bit. This week has ended surprisingly quickly. I think canceled classes and not having much work played a part in that, and the snowed in day didn't hurt either. Tonight has been a little bit of a roller coaster, but i did right my first poem in about a year so definitely the night has overall been for the better.

Ride for a Lost Love

The silver Knight rides on a tumultuous gale
Borne on a thunderous heavenly steed
Beckoned by voice of wind and rain
He rides for an angel desperate with need

She calls to the wind and she calls to the snow
She beckons the forces that nature brings
He rides for through endless hunger and pain
He’ll ride without end for as long as she sings

He rides down thought of a time when she loved him
He acts with the force only true love can call
He ride through the rivers of enemy slain
Though his spirit collapses his body stands tall

And having restored her to life at peace
His eternal promise again fulfilled
He’s finished the task for which he came
He’ll end this trespass by her will

Burned out

Today I'm feeling a little burnt out a little tired and a lot lonely. I've never really felt lonely before, at least not and been aware of it. I guess that where all my thinkin' too much lands me this time.

Grey Skies

This is probably going to be a fairly tedious blog for awhile, I sat through my first ROE, OPSEC, PR, Commanders Intent, LOAC and SERE briefing set for pre deployment. In sort its the first day of a very long contingent of classes that will continue very slowly over the next few months. My head is all over the map right now and every time it tries to settle i feel the need to change the subject, some things don't need dwelling on, especially by me. Sometimes i take thinking too much to a new level. My hurricane didn't hit the way I worried it would yesterday, but its back in full swing today. I'll come out of the other side OK though, I always do, and maybe I'll reinvent myself along the way.

Staring it in the Eye

In the eye of a hurricane there is nothing to see but the storm around you, and nothing to do but wait for it to strike again. Today I relaxed and enjoyed the last day in the eye before the storm returns. One final day of contemplation before returning to action. One day which is the last that is my own for the winter. Tonight I brace for impact, tomorrow will be long.

Old Romance and Used Oil

In the last 2 weeks I have seen 4 ex girlfriends and a good piece of my non relative family. It is a major point of interest to me how different they all are (my ex's I mean). One of them is a good Mormon girl now married step-mom of 2 making a living with her husband at wal mart down in SLC. The second is a single mother with an 8 month old barely scraping by on child support and low income housing with no small help from her parents. The third is the head custodian of a school, who together with her live in boyfriend is now raising a cumulative 5 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. I can vouch that it is quite crowded there. They have hobbies that range from watching movies to getting shitfaced. They have bedroom mannerisms ranging from slow and sensuous to extreme violence. Their working positions run from the top of the totem pole to not having a job. I've ran down a long list of ideas and discovered that the three of them only have three things in common, raising kids, petite build and me. The thought crosses my mind that that may mean i am hopelessly shallow, but for the consideration of my less serious dalliances in the mean time, which i believe disprove the previous thought. I went to see my little sister for new years eve/day. She was oddly quiet except when we were visiting my ex who is most like her. They got along great, and i wasn't surprised. Hopefully i will see her again in February. Until then it is farewell and good luck. In less romance related news in the last week I have been used as a shoulder to cry on 4 times, I have been told I am a good person without trying twice I've fixed the vehicle that only needed to last 2 weeks 5 times and I've spent extensive time contemplating the universe and my place in it. Working on that truck has somewhat surprisingly reminded me how much i actually enjoy fixing things. I fixed the water pump a couple times, replaced the starter and rehung the exhaust. It was surprising how much that helped me think through life, and I'd imagine to anyone but me that makes no sense. In any case I am feeling calm and confident for the moment, which is exactly what i was after from this vacation. First contact with work will be Monday, we will see how my serenity survives it but until then I am happy.