Regrets

I am fairly certain I could count the things I regret in this life on one hand. I have no real desire to recollect them and the people who have been hurt know who they are. A couple of them have been gnawing at me lately and I'm trying to concieve some way to repair the damage done by them. Not much else left to be said on this until i come up with a solution. It is important to live without regrets

Not the Vacation I was Hoping For

Got my appendix removed the other day. Went into the doc with some major gut pain. they gut it out and now i get a couple days off, then ill be ridin a desk.

People as Predators and Prey

People are an interesting species. Animals tend to follow concrete social behaviors that fit with their niche on the food chain. Humans tend to follow the same kinds of social behaviors, the difference being that members of our species follow behaviors fitting all of the levels of the food chain. Some individuals even cross between one and another but most people tend to follow one basic behavior pattern. And while the specifics of the arena may be different. The spirit of it is much the same as it is with wild animals.

Prey animals society almost universally runds in groups or herds. Their means for survival always works one of two ways. In the first scenario the strangest member of the herd acts to protect the herd while the rest huddle together and hide. The second and more common method is that the weakest members are left behind and taken while the group huddles together for protection. By this means the greater good of the group is served by the work or sacrifice of a selected few. Human social behavior usually follows the preys path.

Scavengers feed off of the trash left behind by predators and other natural cause. They tend to run in massive swarms and will nearly tear eachother to shreds to get at raw carrion. Theres is by far the simplest and least refined society, there is no real unity or role except the unified drive to feed. Scavenger behavior is most seen in people during crisis situations or places with generally shitty living.

Predators normally follow one of two social patterns. They are either a pack or a solo hunter. A pack is a far smaller and neater unit than a herd. It has a clear cut chain of authority from top to bottom, and every member works in cohesion. There is no member of the pack who can be sacrificed. Every member from the weakest to the strongest pulls their own weight. And with this method a small pack can consistantly harry a much larger herd and remain the victors. In human society this behavior has rarely been seen outside militant organizations.

Solo predators socialize far less than the others. Mostly for the purposes of breeding or raising young. The solo predators themselves are by far the most complete individuals of all. They are stronger, faster, and stealthier than other animals. Their minds and senses are sharpened for their to fit their lot in life. Many solo predators have a notably higher success rate even than pack hunters do. Real solo predatory mentalitys are probably the rarest people on earth.

Last few days

Had a big pig roast a few days ago, which was fun. I got to show both of my LTs about 2 minutes apiece of swing dancing. I need to practice more I hadnt danced at all in a couple years Now I'm moving over to night shift, where with any luck I will be able to get google currency tonight. Not much new to report otherwise.

Its Time Again

I've been on a real short fuse lately, which is fine by me. But today I caught myself insulting someone to someone else, and that is unacceptable. I know how to direct my rage in the proper direction. I of all people know to direct my anger at its cause and not take it out on others. I find it is time to realign again.

The Circle of Life

The wheel continues to turn and people will always come in and out of our lives. All that is left to us is to keep the memories made and the lessons they teach us. And though we will always wish to create new memories, we can always at least keep the lives weve had with people forever. However upsetting the outcome may be, the good will always have been there. It is only lost if you let it be.

I havent had anything to sya for the last few days. still just fixin and flyin aircraft.

CNN Bulletin

I think its time to squash all the rumors and misinformation coming from the media. One combat brigade left Iraq. There are still thousands of us over here, and no we are not coming home early. Our mission hasnt even really changed at all.

Menial Labor

Managed to work all day today and accomplish nothing worth considering. Go army.

Mandatory fun day

Mandatory fun day today. It's not enough that i have to work and live with these people day in and day out, now i have to socialize with them too. Backstabbin thievin lyin fuckin people and Im supposed to try to build comraderie with them. I cannot and will not ever respect, abide or try to make friends with such dishonest people as i have found around me in the army. I am supposed to respect the rank of people who have lied cheated and kissed ass to get where theyre at. and then today i am essentially told that because shit like this fun day is forced on me i shouldnt be pissed off about it like that makes some kind of fuckin sense. Its like their tryin to tell me id better eat my shit sandwich and fuckin smile. Sometimes i have to wonder why I dont do something to just get kicked out, but i already know the answer to that. Maybe someday everyone else will too.

Bad Records

I originally intended this to be a record of how iraq was for me and I've been slipping very badly. But today I have a summary of why that happens so often. Iraq is so very boring that I can think of nothin worth blogging about without saying the same thing every day. And so busy that i can't ever find the time to do it anyway. The combination of those two things sounds ridiculous until you have lived it for awhile. I'll try to keep up better in the future.

Savage Hunt

I returned to my love from so many years away and alone
To find that the war had struck all the way too my home
And as I searched through the carnage of buildings torn apart
I found my truelove on an altar with a dagger though her heart
I lifted her from her place of rest to hold her in my arms
And called to my inner savage to hunt for the cause of her harm
I could smell the decrepit souls in their forsaken mortal shell
I drew the savage power from an endless inner well
I vowed a vengence on the flesh their all spilled for mine
And torment on their souls eternally after life
I channel souls of gods which make me indestructible
Making pacts to ward the calls of heaven or of hell
My battle cry rings through the night and makes the culprits flee
But theirs no where to hide and nowhere to run and no safe place to be
This long dark tunnel is all the is left with no light to be seen
And when there is it will onle be the freight train that is me
No setback to me will long delay the ending of your life
Asleep one day youll wake to the flashing of my knife
Your every moment remaining youll know that i am on the hunt
With a vengeance that time and sorrow will never be able to blunt
Revenge is the only thing that will sate my wrath this day
To shred the souls of my enemies and any who bar my way
I'll rend the flesh and spill the blood and brutally destoy
The bodies and the souls who thought they could enjoy
Desecrating the flesh and ending the life
Of the one who could change the world in my sight
And when every single one of you lies in eternal sleep
Ill live my life out mourning in peace
Ill finish my years on this earth alone
And then go to the hell which will be your home
Where my light shall again be the only you see
Reliving that hunt for eternity!

Vacation

I had originally intended to blog way more than I have been. But usually when i feel I've done something worth writing about I'm too busy doing it to write it. I think it would get really old if I wrote "Today i flew and moved people around, I hung my head out the window" every day no one would read anymore. Not that I have an overlarge fanbase in the first place. But I'm fairly certain the ones I do have are loyal. So anyway on to the interesting part.

I have spent the last two weeks on R&R leave, which is when i go back to the state for a couple weeks. The entire thing was about family, harleys and girls. Mostly in that order. I rode up to the bike rally in evanston for the first weekend, hung out with some old friends there. Then I spent the rest of the week in missouri with my family out there. Then i went back to AZ where i hung out with that whole side of my family and rode my harley a whole bunch. Now I am back to Iraq and will son be back to flying all the time.

Back from the Back

Its been awhile since my last blog. I have been flying again for a little while now. It has mostly been passenger movement. We have been having some pretty bad weather lately so flying is happening less often. I have been getting in the gym agasin but taking it easier. By easier I mean a smoked myself so I had trouble with simple tasks like racking weights when I was done. Now I am starting to really get ready for leave. I"ll try to start posting more often.

Back Strain

Yesterday I hurt my back pretty bad weightlifting, now I have been given a downslip from flights until it heals. Therefore I will have noithing interesting to blog about for the next little while so it may be a few days before I do so again.

Dog and Pony

The story continues to be the same. We go out and preflight like we are going somewhere, the weather taunts us with a bunch of little sucker holes, we try to fly a little and it is ultimately futile. Today we tagged on the big dog and pony show of trying to make ourselves look nice for some VIP. I dispise the games and the attempts at ass kissing by even those who have more sense, it is the thing that I hate most about our current army.

Amazingly Bad Weather

Short flight today, cancelled partway through for several different weather problems. Flew long enough to land the aircraft in maintenance though. Fun day.

Good Mellow Flight

These last few days have been pretty good to me. Friday we went out and moved a body from here to mortuary affairs. Some civilian here on post had died in his room. Then we waited till nightfall and went out to do an evaluation flight. Training and evaluation flights are always fun because we get to go do some stuff that we would generally not get to. Then yesterday I was on the MTF schedule, which translates into alot of time on the flightline but none in the air. I still really enjoy doing them because it is one of the most educational experiences on the aircraft for me. Today and tomarrow I am off work so I will be enjoying my personal time.

550 Cord

Today my flight got cut short for weather, but what we did fly was a really good flight. Then just as I'm getting ready to cut out early someone decides to pull the end off of a spool of cord and lets it flop on the ground, then cut all of what is on the ground away from the spool. After that he tried to untangle what was still on until that proved hopless and he dumped the rest ont the ground too. Three of us spent about an hour or so untangling what we could and then we threw the rest away. Fun night in general.

Where Falcons Roam

I originally intended to post to this far more often than I have been. So we'll cover just some recent history. I've been flying for the past few days, every day. Today I remembered exactly what I love about my job when I saw a girl in the back was hanging one foot and one arm out in the wind, smiling at the nothing for some couple thousand feet below. I love flying doors open with my feet dangling in the air or my upper torso out the window. There was a time when it would have scared me to death. Now it is the best part of my work day. I hope that i can always find the means to spend time in the sky. Freedom can only be found in the wind.

Now I am Here

I am now getting settled into Iraq, not much to say about the trip but lets suffice to say it was long and painful. I will be posting more now that I am settled enough to have time. Hopefully I can keep it interesting.

The last week

This weekend i went to hang out with my brother and my mom. Its was a full weekend and since I am not one hundred percent on how next weekend will go it is most likely my last full weekend with family. This week will most likely be somewhat unpleasant, I hate the last week before clearing out because there's always a ridiculous amount of last minute crap.

Ten percent

Back to predeployment classes. Today's class was sexual assault prevention. One in three women will be raped in their lifetime. One in ten men is a rapist. That totals to three hundred million men who should be very brutally removed from this world to protect nearly a billion women. I know some people consider my view on this very violent and disturbing, but this is one topic I will never ever attempt to be more indulgent on. Rapists deserve to die, painfully. The maximum sentence under the UCMJ for rape is death. It is a sign of exactly what is wrong with our army that the maximum sentence has never been sought. This is the society we live in, this is why i have such a short tolerance for it.

Calm Before the Storm

It seems I haven't written in weeks. I went on leave and saw a lot of friends and family. My head is fairly clear and I am feeling pretty good. Things at work are pretty calm right now but I know that won't last much longer. Coming back from seeing all those friends has had one negative effect. I have felt more alone for the last couple days that any other time in my life. Now I'm just going to watch the clock and hope this deployment goes by quickly. I guess if nothing else I will be busy.

Port Weekend

Today I blog for the whole of the weekend, which began with me showing up on Saturday to prepare aircraft to launch in bad weather (bad meaning stuff we're not supposed to fly in). Now I am comfortable with flying in weather well worse than what the army allows and I'm even ok with losing my weekend, I got comped later anyway. What annoyed me was the indecision of people making decision about whether or not they were comfortable with pushing through a little fog. We ultimately after having four mind changes on the ground and two in the air we pushed through with absolutely no problems or issues at all.

Refuel at our first stop was another issue entirely. Our aircraft wouldn't take fuel in one of the tanks through the pressure line, which was easy enough to fix because we just had to have the fuel truck gravity feed manually into the tank that wasn't taking fuel, basically filling it the same way you do your car. We flew the next leg of our trip and landed to find that the flight before us had stolen part of the pizza we had ordered so it would be waiting for us when we got there. We couldn't complain to much since we found out the airport had paid for it for us and ordered us some more. There was a custom chopper at the airport built on an airplane theme, I really kinda wanted to take it for a ride and see how weird it rode. It was kinda cool though.

When we got done eating and our aircraft got done being fueled we took off from that airport and headed south again. About five minutes into that flight we started smelling fuel. We made the decision that if we started to have problems or if the instruments started to show us losing fuel abnormally fast we would land at the nearest airport but if not we would go on with the flight and check out the problem at our next stop. We all wound up light headed loopy and sick, apparently it was even showing in the way our pilot was flying. I don't recommend huffing jet fuel for a cheap high.

We landed at college station and quickly discovered a fuel spot that was not supposed to be there forming under our aircraft, apparently the issue with the pressure refuel was a valve that slammed closed and then blew out all it seals. Leaking fuel all over the wiring in our floor and risking a cabin fire. The aircraft had to be authorized by people way higher up than me for a one time flight from there to the nearest station with the ability to fix the problem. One time flights require an MTP and the minimum possible crew so me and one of my pilots got moved off of that aircraft and onto a different one. After all the time taken diagnosing and hashing out what needed to be done with that problem, we all were at the point at which the army limits the length of our duty day for safety reasons, so we stayed the night there.

Sunday morning we woke up early, grabbed breakfast and headed to the airport to take off, leaving behind the three people who were one timing the broken aircraft to a different place. The preflight was kinda hectic moving crews from one aircraft to another but not too bad. The flight from college station to port was a little under two hours total. When we got to port we had to get serial numbers and history recorder readings off of every engine on every aircraft then unload them and run all the stuff to about half a dozen different places then load a couple of connexes and once everything was unloaded/reloaded/read we were done for the day. Which meant we got to go change into our normal civilian cloths and get on a bus for the sixteen hour ride home. The commander authorized alcohol on the bus since we were technically off duty, which meant that out of thirty six passengers thirty two of them got drunk. In all honesty though I have never heard over thirty drunk people stay as quite as that group did so it wasn't so bad. I slept through about half of the ride and we all got home at about noon yesterday and were informed we have today off.

Having the day off today worked fairly well since last night was Tristan's night off as well. We decided to meet at a club that was the easiest place for me to give him directions to in Topeka. So around the time I was getting there he called and told me he wasn't coming. So not wanting to go alone I turned around and headed back, then when I was about half way he called again and told me he was on his way. So I turned and headed to meet him there. After I was already inside waiting for him he called again to tell me hes was lost, and I wound up being there for about an hour and a half before he finally found his way there. Apparently for some people I-70 is really hard to find in Kansas City. By the time he got into town the place I had wanted to go grab dinner was already closed, so we grabbed some burger king instead and headed back to the club, where I wound up spending more money than I ever have on one night at the club and managed to get Tristan to front some for me too. When the cash started running low we decided to take off and call it a night, but not before having the lovely miss Cami dance once to Slow Ride by Foghat.

To finish up the night we left club Orleans found a good stop light and satisfied my curiosity about who's truck was faster. The answer was mine by a no contest margin, but I think it would have been a little closer if Tristan could drive. We stopped and B.S.ed about that for a few more minutes then headed home and called it a night. I'd say it's been an OK couple days.

Better

I got my truck back a couple days ago and it sure is nice to be mobile again. I got my leave packet finished today and should have it turned in tomorrow. Soon I will be headed to warmer and drier clime, after which I will be headed to even more extreme warmer and drier climes. One should be fun and relaxing, the other will be work work work all the time. Most of the work preparing to leave is done, the rest will be done very soon. I need to figure out what is going with me too, because the rest needs to make it to storage. All is going fairly smooth for the last couple days, hopefully things keep moving that direction.

Disgruntled Soldier

This week I have failed a PT test, been chastised for the cleanliness of my domicile, been used as a secretary and been placed under the charge of a new first sergeant who has apparently been condemned to life as a talking penis. The man in all seriousness has already demonstrated that he has one of the worst cases of Napoleon complex I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. I personally am almost impressed by how pathetic it really is. The whole experience has been a reminder to me of why I have ne desire to stay and make rank in this army. I know I will continue to meet this kind of person throughout life, however it will be nice to reach a place in the world where tolerating it is not mandated by the uniform code of military justice. I am reminded of why the army is required to make members sign a contract and live under a completely different set of laws than the rest of the country. If any civilian employer tried to treat its employees the way the army does it would very quickly go out of business when literally everyone quit. Whatever the disadvantages may be I can hardly wait to return to a job where it is not believed that the ability to run is a measure of leadership potential.

Nothing New

Life is continuing to be more of the same. I am sincerely hoping that something will turn around soon but I am in severe doubt that it will happen before I deploy. Oh well I guess such is life.

Alone

My last several posts have been about work. And I haven't posted for several days because work hasn't changed, except that my anger with people who are supposed to know what they are doing who are apparently neither knowledgeable nor consistent has grown exponentially. Today I am thinking a lot more about my personal life. The view when I gaze upon this topic is barren and bleak. I rarely leave my room except for work nowadays, and I hardly feel social with my coworkers at all. What little humanity I show them feels like it is being forced out of me to maintain my own sanity, and I feel no desire to see any of them when the work day is over. So with all other options removed I am now being social only by computer, which only works about half the time in the first place. Even on the computer there have only been three people in quite some time with whom i have spoken on a regular basis and actually looked forward to the conversation. Of those three one doesn't speak to me anymore, another hasn't for the last couple of days, and the third only ever speaks sparingly anyway. Maybe a couple of days and spartan conversation may seem a trivial problem but in light of the complete hermit attitude I have been having I feel it is becoming socially unhealthy. Maybe i should look at this as just one more preparation for deployment in which what little social life remains to me will all but disappear. That is kind of a depressing thought right at the moment. I think this post is getting a lot longer than average for me, probably partly do to the fact that i really do have reason to write it. I have never in my life been prone to loneliness but lately it seems I feel it more and more. I think it is either a sign of maturity or depression, its not easy to say which right now, but probably the latter. As far as I can tell I am socially good at two things, I attract friendships with the "outcasts" of society very easily, and I can wreak havoc in the lives of those i would much rather not do so with. Perhaps the title of my blog is more fitting than I thought at the time. I am able to at bare minimum create complications in the lives of people and meet and care about. At intervals in my life it seems to push people out of it. For some people that takes years and for others only weeks but the parting is always painful for one reason or another.

Packing to go

Today began the incessant loading and unloading of the same equipment every day that is going to last at least all week until it is finally packed to everyone's satisfaction. This process is extremely annoying to me because it generally involves alot of bad calls by those refusing to listen to people who know better. It is barely starting and I am already getting aggravated both by the stupid calls people have made, and the stupid calls they will make. It may be a little better on me this time knowing what to expect, but it is still a stressful process. I guess since deployment is the reason i joined the Army I will just have to accept this part of the process.

Insomnia

Right now I should be asleep but I have screwed my circadian rhythm to such a level as to make it impossible. In three hours I will have to be awake whether I sleep in the mean time or not. It would really be better if I could stop doing this to myself, but I doubt I will manage any time soon, since the bulk of the intelligent conversation I am able to enjoy happens in the dead of the night.I sometimes think I must be a masochist, but mostly I think I just believe that some things in life are worth the pain.

Day to Day

In the last several days I have packed my units personal effects for shipment to the middle east, turned my truck over to the shop to finally get it fixed, failed my TB check for the first time, hung out with my mom, gone to see some of my other family around town and chatted religiously while almost everyone was asleep. The individual days really haven't been that full so I wind up doing one still very short post to cove almost the whole week.

Dentist

Today i went to the dentist and learned that one of my fillings had been broken off and needed to be redone. That was the most eventful part of the entire day. Tomarrow we seriously start packing in earnest.

SRP

Today I got vaccinated and set up my finances for my trip to Iraq. It's basically an all day process doing paperwork but mostly just waiting in line to do paperwork. In other words it takes us a long time to accomplish very little. So when i got done i came home and vegged. Not a very productive day but i guess a necessary one.

Feeling Weary

Last night I didn't sleep at all. Today felt very long. My mind is still kinda twisted and on top of it all I'm just a little worried. Hope everything goes well, I think I'm going to sleep now. This post lacks any and all of my normal natural eloquence I thinks its another sign of exhaustion, so im going to take a nap now.

Extremely Extreme

Most people have some kind of buffer in their mind, some moderator that limits their emotions to a normal level. I have nothing of the sort. I honestly cannot remember the last time I liked or disliked anything. I love it or I hate it. Either I'm extremely passionate about something or I don't care at all. Its a lot like the case of people who see the world in terms of black and white, good and evil. Except that I am not one of those people, I recognize the middle ground of good and evil. I see the shades of gray from a moral and ethical standpoint. I am however a total emotional extremist. I love you I hate you or I don't give a damn, and there is no middle ground to be had. I know stop and careening degree of fast. I think it may be why I isolate myself from people so badly, because people perceive me overreacting or taking big jumps when to me it only a small step from where I already was. On top of all that I find my motivation is generally never what anyone would believe it to be, so all the confusion is compounded twice over. I should be in bed by now but I'm not tired at all, in another hour I'll probably be completely exhausted.

Hermit

Today I was shut in all day, literally the highlight of my day was ordering food. I need to quit doing this but since I won't have a choice in Iraq I might as well get used to it.

RFI

Today I did RFI issue, where i picked up a coat and a body armor vest, my battalion reminded me how OK they are with screwin' over their own soldiers, and my company tried to make it up to us a little bit. This week has ended surprisingly quickly. I think canceled classes and not having much work played a part in that, and the snowed in day didn't hurt either. Tonight has been a little bit of a roller coaster, but i did right my first poem in about a year so definitely the night has overall been for the better.

Ride for a Lost Love

The silver Knight rides on a tumultuous gale
Borne on a thunderous heavenly steed
Beckoned by voice of wind and rain
He rides for an angel desperate with need

She calls to the wind and she calls to the snow
She beckons the forces that nature brings
He rides for through endless hunger and pain
He’ll ride without end for as long as she sings

He rides down thought of a time when she loved him
He acts with the force only true love can call
He ride through the rivers of enemy slain
Though his spirit collapses his body stands tall

And having restored her to life at peace
His eternal promise again fulfilled
He’s finished the task for which he came
He’ll end this trespass by her will

Burned out

Today I'm feeling a little burnt out a little tired and a lot lonely. I've never really felt lonely before, at least not and been aware of it. I guess that where all my thinkin' too much lands me this time.

Grey Skies

This is probably going to be a fairly tedious blog for awhile, I sat through my first ROE, OPSEC, PR, Commanders Intent, LOAC and SERE briefing set for pre deployment. In sort its the first day of a very long contingent of classes that will continue very slowly over the next few months. My head is all over the map right now and every time it tries to settle i feel the need to change the subject, some things don't need dwelling on, especially by me. Sometimes i take thinking too much to a new level. My hurricane didn't hit the way I worried it would yesterday, but its back in full swing today. I'll come out of the other side OK though, I always do, and maybe I'll reinvent myself along the way.

Staring it in the Eye

In the eye of a hurricane there is nothing to see but the storm around you, and nothing to do but wait for it to strike again. Today I relaxed and enjoyed the last day in the eye before the storm returns. One final day of contemplation before returning to action. One day which is the last that is my own for the winter. Tonight I brace for impact, tomorrow will be long.

Old Romance and Used Oil

In the last 2 weeks I have seen 4 ex girlfriends and a good piece of my non relative family. It is a major point of interest to me how different they all are (my ex's I mean). One of them is a good Mormon girl now married step-mom of 2 making a living with her husband at wal mart down in SLC. The second is a single mother with an 8 month old barely scraping by on child support and low income housing with no small help from her parents. The third is the head custodian of a school, who together with her live in boyfriend is now raising a cumulative 5 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment. I can vouch that it is quite crowded there. They have hobbies that range from watching movies to getting shitfaced. They have bedroom mannerisms ranging from slow and sensuous to extreme violence. Their working positions run from the top of the totem pole to not having a job. I've ran down a long list of ideas and discovered that the three of them only have three things in common, raising kids, petite build and me. The thought crosses my mind that that may mean i am hopelessly shallow, but for the consideration of my less serious dalliances in the mean time, which i believe disprove the previous thought. I went to see my little sister for new years eve/day. She was oddly quiet except when we were visiting my ex who is most like her. They got along great, and i wasn't surprised. Hopefully i will see her again in February. Until then it is farewell and good luck. In less romance related news in the last week I have been used as a shoulder to cry on 4 times, I have been told I am a good person without trying twice I've fixed the vehicle that only needed to last 2 weeks 5 times and I've spent extensive time contemplating the universe and my place in it. Working on that truck has somewhat surprisingly reminded me how much i actually enjoy fixing things. I fixed the water pump a couple times, replaced the starter and rehung the exhaust. It was surprising how much that helped me think through life, and I'd imagine to anyone but me that makes no sense. In any case I am feeling calm and confident for the moment, which is exactly what i was after from this vacation. First contact with work will be Monday, we will see how my serenity survives it but until then I am happy.